It's much easier to support people who think and live like we do. Yet, we know the world is filled with a variety of people, who all see and experience things in a slightly different way. Even within generally shared views, we each have our unique 'twist' on them. And then of course, there are those who have completely different perspectives based on where they live, who they're surrounded by, how they were raised and the experiences they've had. And we find ways to work and live with this complex variety of humans everyday. But when these perspective differences surface in our families, between friends or closer-knit relationships, it can be difficult to know how to support each other through disappointment.
Let's begin with a story.
Mark walks into the office and slumps at his desk. He just lost a promotion he really wanted to someone with less skills than he had. Many people in the office saw it the same way. But many of them didn’t.
His co-worker Steve supported the person who was promoted, but saw his co-worker struggling and felt a bit awkward. He likes Mark. He’s a great co-worker, a good friend outside of work and they have kids on the same soccer team. But he didn’t agree that the choice was wrong. So what does he say?
Should he say something like, “hey, look at it this way“ and point out some of the upsides? Or how about a more gruff, “come on dude, just get over it. It's done!”. That’s what his father would always say to him. Or maybe it’s best to just ignore it and hope it will blow over and they’ll just go on as usual.
But this guy is a friend and he actually kinda cares about him. So he gives it some thought, decides on a sort of mixed masculine-caring approach, walks over and says, “Sorry dude, I know you really wanted that position. Let me know if you want to go for a beer or something after work”.
Mark looks up a bit surprised. He kind of knew Steve supported the guy who got the promotion. But with those few simple words, he felt supported as a co-worker and person, even though they didn’t share the same opinion. “Sure, let’s do that. I get off at 5”.
I believe that people rarely say dismissive things consciously, or realize that we’re sending an unsupportive message in between our words.
Although there are always exceptions, I believe people more often are well intending, but unskilled. Or they’re simply repeating what someone said to them somewhere earlier in life out of habit.
In a case like this story, people can share a sort of awkward discomfort for differing reasons, and simply not know how to articulate it or respond to it. So we say some off-hand comment without thinking, in an attempt to move both parties through the discomfort more quickly. But it can sometimes, inadvertently, make it worse.
I’m definitely guilty in my past of unknowingly minimizing someone’s pain by using well-intended phrases that failed to acknowledge the persons struggle. I grew up with parents who alternated between attitudes of 'tough love', Pollyanna-positivity, and avoidance. Many parents in the 60's were oblivious to the long-term impacts of their modeling.
So then, what can we say? And what can we do with our own discomfort with someone else's discomfort?
A FEW PHRASES THAT MAKE ME FEEL SEEN AS A HUMAN BEING even if the speaker can't see or relate to the source of my upset in the same way:
“I can tell ____ really bothers you. Let me know if there’s anything I can do”
(My response inside: Maybe I just want quiet and space. But thank you for at least seeing me)
“I know we don’t always see things the same way, but I do understand what it feels like to lose something, it kinda sucks”.
(My response inside: Yes. Losing something that means a lot to me does suck. I’m glad you can relate to that part of it)
“I’m sorry you’re struggling. I know _____ meant a lot to you”.
(My response inside: Thanks for seeing my values, even if we value different things.)
These alternate phrases can be difficult to muster, because they don’t offload our own physical-emotional discomfort as quickly. But they also don’t give up your position or relay that you agree with the person about what’s contributing to their pain.
These kind of phrases simply relay that you do indeed see the struggle, you can relate to 'struggle' itself (can’t we all?) and that you value that person as a human being - beyond your differing opinions.
Yes, the person who is struggling may need to do most of the 'heavy lifting' to get themselves through it. But we're also relational creatures designed to support and complement each other as well.
So what do we do with our own physical discomfort about another persons discomfort?
Simply sit with it. You can handle it. So can I.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. It won’t kill you.
Like all emotions, uncomfortable ones will run their natural cycle if we don't cling to them, resist them or act on them. Being able to ride the natural wave of emotional discomfort without short-cutting it, acting on it or distracting from it, is what tells your brain that in the future in a similar situation, it doesn’t need to activate that emotion as intensely. And next time a similar situation comes up, it’s bit easier to get through. And the time after that, a bit easier again.
Discomfort (regardless of source) is something that can bond us if we don’t rush it, or separate us if we do.
And being able to hold two seemingly opposite experiences at the same time is the key (and the art?) of being fully human. In the story example above, the two opposing experiences are sharing the physical discomfort of struggle (which we all share) while not sharing the mental opinion about the apparent source.
And It can feel like the challenge of rubbing your tummy while patting your head… but you can still learn to do it through practice.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS
I also know It’s doubly difficult to bridge that gap when differing opinions also come with apparently different value systems. Or when the way we appear to measure or represent shared values, are so different. Two people can say they both value ‘family’, yet have very different ways of showing or representing it. It also sometimes seems like humans either value outcome OR process. Ideally, we’d like to experience both - optimal process and optimal outcome. But sometimes, we have to choose. As a result, we seem to either go with a mentality of ‘the ends justify the means’ or ‘the process is more important than the outcome’. So what contributes to one or the other approach to making choices? I’ll still mulling that one over. But currently from my own experience, it seems to involve an individuals level of confidence in either their own ability to navigate the unknown, or their level of trust in a higher power. With high self-confidence (and/or confidence it a higher power) I have more freedom to choose a ethical, moral and value-aligning process because the precise outcome matters less to me. I know I can handle whatever happens, more than I fear what could happen. And without it, I might choose outcome, over the process of achieving that outcome. Food for thought. But there are patterns in people’s behavior that are worth exploring and understanding. And in the meantime, we may need to rely on compassion and empathy for our shared human experience to move us forward without letting our relationships become collateral damage. If you'd like to understand more about the differences between values and the standards by which we represent these values, this free class describes that.
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