Subtle ways we foster distrust in our relationships and how to stop it

The healthiest relationships are the ones where you can bring all parts of ‘you’ into it: The smart you, the goofy you, the courageous you, the overwhelmed you, the witty you, the sarcastic you, the gentle you, the nervous you, the gruff you, the hard-working you, the lazy you, the sexual you, the cuddly you and much more. 

And to do this we need to feel safe and accepted by our partners - 'safe' meaning we know that our partner won’t back away or leave when they see your imperfect, messy self, they believe in you and maybe more importantly, that they believe in ‘us’.

This can be really hard when partners have hurt each other deeply and are recovering. And it can be a lot harder and sometimes near impossible if we're not aware of some of the ways we may be unknowingly decreasing that sense of 'safety'.

So what are some behaviors that erode relational safety? And what can we do so our partner feels safer and more accepted and... we get the same in return?

This is what we're covering in Part 3 of our series on Relational Repair After Dishonesty. In Part One, we talked about some general concepts about repair and recovery that are essential to understand, as well as what happens in the brain when a dishonesty disrupts our reality. In Part Two, we started covering specifics - starting with the person who was dishonest - what helps to repair, what doesn't, and what to expect along the way.

And today we're covering specific insights and tips for the partner on the receiving end of the dishonesty - what helps with repair, what doesn't, and the tools my husband and I use to foster relational 'safety' where honesty can flourish.

As always, I encourage you to try anything you find helpful, while modifying them to fit your style and relationship goals. 

Perfectionism and Withdrawal - 2 Behaviors that can erode Relational Safety. 

1. Perfectionism

Overcoming perfectionist habits is a challenge for anyone. And it can be especially tough if you have a long history of achievement and success that's tied to it. Many of us grew up rewarded with love and attention for some behaviors, and shunned for other behaviors. And if one of your family mantras included, "if you can't do it right, don't do it all! ", your brain probably learned quickly to associate 'perfection' with love, acceptance and belonging. And to add to that, if you work in a career field where 'the best' is expected, encouraged and rewarded ($$), perfectionism can unknowingly get reinforced if we’re not consciously giving ourselves some grace. And what we all can probably say from experience, what works in a work-related, performance setting, doesn't always work in a love-related, relational setting. In fact..

..when perfectionist behaviors that work in the office, cross over into our relationships, it can have a corrosive affect. 

How perfectionism fosters distrust

When dishonesty disrupts our reality, or what we believed to be true, it feels chaotic inside our bodies. So maintaining control and order in our outside world is a popular way many people cope, or manage this feeling. We do things like houseclean, laundry, busy ourselves with planning, or organize the garage. And unfortunately, we can also nit-pick and criticize our partners a lot more frequently, pointing out faults that threaten that needed 'order' and predictability. Our quest for stability and dependability becomes... an intolerance for anything unexpected or different.

Although this coping behavior is very understandable and may have benefits in your career, it's NOT helpful in fostering relational safety. The lack of grace and allowance for our own imperfection can send the same unspoken message to our partners - "you must be perfect too, to be accepted by me". So can see why a partner wouldn't risk telling you about their fears, doubts or weaknesses?

Fear of losing our partner and fear of disappointing our partners are two sides of the same coin - fear of separation from somewhere we really want to belong.

So if the unspoken message "perfection is expected and respected here" is inadvertently coming across in your at-home behaviors, body language or energy, you can see why a partner wouldn't take the risk of sharing their struggles. If we're that 'uptight' and rigid with ourself and our own life, why would our partners be vulnerable enough to share their fears or flaws with you? The risk of being rejected by their loved one.. can feel like it's just too great. See what I’m getting at?

From my experience..

..a dishonest act in a relationship is rarely a spontaneous act. It's more often the outcome of repeated, compounding moments where a partner didn't feel safe enough to share small struggles along the way.

And that's when small acts of dishonesty - like withholding information - can start to become a habit.

Now, this doesn't mean that the extreme opposite is any better. Being sloppy, overlooking gross missteps, or just 'not caring' isn't helpful either.

But somewhere in between the extremes of 'perfection' and 'I don't care' is a wide range of acceptable human flaws, imperfection and  mistakes that every couple can work within. 

And talking about what that range looks like is one of the most important and connecting conversations you'll ever have with your partner. 

Ways to work on accepting and allowing imperfection

I struggled with perfectionist behaviors for decades of my life. So I started by practicing being ‘okay with’ my own screw-ups, and showing myself compassion a little more often. This didn't make me some kind of soft 'push-over' or impact me striving for excellence in my work. But it did make a big difference in my interpersonal relationships.

1) Kinder self-talk.

I practiced talking to myself more kindly, almost like a mentor “No worries, mistakes are how you learn”, I would think to myself whenever I struggled.  Doing this won’t come easily at first if like me, you have a long history of being demanding of yourself. Hence the need to intentionally practice it. But watch how that gentle, compassionate message to yourself, starts to translate to your partner.

2) Learn something awkward.

I also started learning new things where I knew I'd be initially awkward, to get a lot of 'mess-up material' I could practice with. (You should see me learning to spin Poi Balls. Not pretty!)

3) Practice with your partner

My husband and I also make the bed together every day. But here's the catch: no matter how each side of the bed gets made, we leave it. One side may have 'hospital corners' and the other side may have the sheet untucked, lop-sided or the pillows arranged differently. Or maybe the blanket at the end is crooked. If you're cringing while reading this, you could probably benefit from this exercise! It's just a BED. But it's a great way to practice accepting imperfection with your partner, and in general. And you may be surprised at the longer-term outcome. The more we make the bed together, the more 'in sync' we get, sort of modeling and mirroring each other.... 

4) Practice letting go

The other practical exercise I do, is intermittently letting the dishes pile up in the sink at night and washing them the next day. A seemingly simple thing for many people. But when my perfectionist behaviors were in full force, there was no way I could do this! And it was hard at first. I'd often cringe a bit as I turned off the kitchen light and went to bed leaving the kitchen messy. But it did get easier. And guess what? Nobody died. And no hazmat team was needed the next day because of some story of bacterial infestation I made up in my. head. LOL

Give it a try. (Or something like it) Withstand the behavioral urge to 'improve' something, while allowing the emotional wave inside you to run its course. This is a practical nervous system retraining exercise. 

2. Withdrawal

On the other end of the coping behavior spectrum, some partners who are hurt by dishonesty will withdraw, shut down, tune out, or distract themselves with TV or some project that completely makes them unavailable.

The urge to 'retreat and lick our wounds' when we feel hurt is understandable. It could have even been something we were modeled earlier in our life. And if we're unfamiliar with our own emotional landscape and never learned how to describe what we're feeling in our bodies? Well, quietly shutting down or tuning out can easily become a 'go-to' response to pain.

And sometimes, we even feel so hurt that withdrawing lets our partners feel a bit of the separation pain that we felt from their dishonesty. I get it. And.... its also NOT helpful in restoring relational safety.  

How withdrawal fosters distrust

Although the urge to withdraw can be powerful, learning to 'stick' , 'hold' or 'stay put' while having a difficult conversation is critically important to re-establishing relational safety. Withdrawing can inadvertently send the unspoken message that 'you're leaving', adding to any unresolved abandonment wounds and the unhelpful behaviors that go with them.

When we've been hurt by our partners dishonesty, it can feel like a from of rejection. And there may be a part of you that wants to be 'pursued' and 'reached for' by the one who pushed you away with their deceit. But withdrawing in attempt to get this is rarely helpful in repair.

Yes, amends need to be made. But often those who tend to 'withdraw' or shut down, attract partners who 'pursue' and 'over-reach'. Neither behavior in their extreme form is helpful. And both behaviors are remnants from what we learned in childhood. But as an adult, you have many more options.

Why showing up and 'holding' is a much better option 

Sitting through the urge to retreat and instead showing up and meeting your partner halfway, is very helpful in repairing trust. Staying 'put' and holding your ground sends the unspoken message that "although I'm deeply hurt by this behavior, I'm here in this moment and willing to listen and work towards repair"

You can even do this even in silence. If you don't know what to say, simply sit and listen.  And if your partner prods you for engagement, simply say something human like,"I don't know what to say. I want to repair this. But I just don't know how to do it".

Then take a deep breath and 'hold'. Withstand the behavioral urge to walk out of the room, while allowing the emotional 'escape'- wave inside you run its course. This is also a form of nervous system retraining.

Of course, we don't need to go to the opposite extreme and feel obligated to initiate every conversation, instantly forgive the behavior or feel pressured to come up with an instant solution.

But somewhere between the extremes of completely withdrawing and becoming a 'Chatty Cathy', is a range of 'showing up' and engagement that every couple can work within. 

And talking about what that 'looks like' is one of the most important and connecting conversations you'll ever have with your partner.

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Bonus Video:

4 Practical Ways to Create Relational Safety

(where honesty is a heck of a lot easier!).

Feel free to contact me with any questions and of course, invite anyone you know who is drawn to simplicity and believes in the power of being fully human in their relationships to join our community.

I'm in your corner,

Jen

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The Human Infusion Project is a grassroots, not-for-profit personal development platform that draws from the combined fields of modern brain science, applied psychology and spiritual philosophy. Our mission aims to augment and supplement the work of professional practitioners in simplified, practical ways, and to give clients an affordable home program they can use in between sessions. 100% of all online class profit funds the Wellness Assistance Grant. If financial constraints limit your participation, please contact me and we'll work something out.