Lies wreck havoc in intimate relationships. And recovery and repair can be hard work.
The home and relationship that we thought were 'safe' and could trust, can crumble to the ground with a single phrase, or even through the withholding of important information. Honesty between partners is such a deeply revered relational trait. Yet, it's also one that sometimes requires risk and a willingness to show our imperfect humanity.
So what can be done when you both want to get past the pain of a lie, but find yourself stuck in a cycle of questions and frustrating blowups?
This is Part One of a 3-Part series on Relational Repair after Dishonesty. In it, we share insights from our own relational experience and how we tackled the rebuild of trust. My husband has given me permission to share his insights, experience and perspective. And I hope you find something here that serves your own relationship.
1.Accept that it takes far more time to rebuild trust, than it does to lose it.
This is a tough one to initially comprehend and accept sometimes. It would seem a sincere apology would simply be enough, right? Why does an apology have to be repeated so many times? The answer in part, it's how we're designed.
Our brain is designed to process sensory input and assign a meaning to it in an organized, coherent 'package'. Done enough times, these associated neural pathways form what we call our 'beliefs'. And they pretty much run quietly and automatically 'behind the scenes', efficiently influencing our emotional response and directing our behaviors so our life easier to navigate.
A lie can radically and abruptly disrupt a long-running belief. This sudden conflict is like running into a mental brick wall that suddenly appears out of nowhere. For those who really didn't see the lie coming, a harsh and abrupt reality 'breakdown' takes place. And it can leave a person's mind spinning, disorganized and uncertain, in addition to feeling deeply 'hurt'. Piecing that fragmented reality back together by creating a new belief (that this person can be trusted again) takes time and ...a lot of repetition.
2. Consider what your partner is experiencing.
This is definitely easier said than done, especially in the moment when you're both emotionally activated. Intense 'triggered' emotions and feelings can include deep shame or embarrassment on the side of the partner who told the lie. And they can include frustration, confusion and fear on the side of the partner who experienced the lie. Although highly uncomfortable, all of those are very normal responses. But it's what we do in behavior or with our words while those emotions are activated ...that makes a big difference. So before you offload your own upset by responding to your partner's upset with a barrage of defense or accusation, take a deep breath and at least consider their position. You don't have to agree with it or accept it, just consider their experience for a moment.
The experience of the person who was lied to.
The confusion that follows a lie can be dizzying and destabilizing. Imagine fully believing one thing to be true, and then learning it's not true. Almost like being hit by lightning, lies can catch a person off guard. And so it's understandable to feel lost, unmoored, betrayed and righteously angry. And it's easy to feel like the obvious victim - you were the one lied TO, right? But also imagine deeper questions popping up like “How did this happen to me?” And “How did I miss picking up on ____ ?” or “What did I do that this person had to lie?” Self-doubt can creep in at the same time anger, confusion and fear of loss is running rampant. I know thinking of your partners pain can sometimes intensify shame. But believe me when I tell you, perspective taking a huge help in repair.
The experience of the person who told the lie.
Here, the conflict of not understanding fully why the person lied to someone they care deeply for can be equally destabilizing and confusing. There's no real defense for the lying behavior. At some point, a choice was made. Yet, I've also come to understand that many times ( not all ), we can sometimes find ourselves doing things we know will have a terrible or unhealthy outcome for us or someone else...and yet we still do it. Or keep doing it, once started. For some**, this can be a deeply conflicting experience. So until someone gets to the bottom of why they keep doing hurtful or unhelpful behaviors, lying can sometimes be equally confusing.
**Partners who lie can quickly be generalized as 'narcissists' because of the terms widespread misuse on social media. Narcissists do lie. And, not all who lie are narcissists. A professional therapist can help you discern the difference.
For both people in the relationship.
In addition to whatever insights you pull from our experience, I highly advocate for therapeutic support to understand where and how your unhelpful behaviors originate, and what (unknowingly) keeps them going.
The phrase 'nothing happens in void' simply means that if two adults are involved, then two adults contributed in some way to the 'arena' that the offense took place. Even if one role isn't immediately obvious.
We've found that learning how we each contribute to relational safety - whether it's intentional and conscious, or not - to be one of the most helpful ingredients to relational repair.
If want to get started, and you're someone who prefers more condensed, straight-forward explanations, take either the Whole-Brain Relationships class or the What's Stopping you class. The knowledge I pass on through these presentations is what really helped me in the recovery of our own marriage.
Once I understood the role that my patterned behavior played, and realized there was something I could actually do about it.. our relational healing accelerated.
3. Understand how the brain responds to an upsetting experience, and what it takes to heal.
This may seem like an odd relational tip. But understanding how our brains process the 'unexpected' and how a stressful event can become 'traumatic' based on what happens afterwards... well, it was important knowledge that came late in my life. What I understand now about our brain, confusion, emotionally-shocking events and what can be done to mitigate their long-term influence... all I can say is I wish I understood this sooner. So here's what I want you to know earlier than I did:
Adverse, unexpected or hurtful experiences only become traumatic if intense emotional upheavals are not soothed back to calm, and if the mind cannot re-organize or 'make sense' of what happened.
Read that again. I'm not describing a one-time, quick fix. An incident can be shocking, hurtful and unexpected. But how we repair afterwards will determine if the pain will heal or will be relationally traumatic long-term. Rebuilding trust is part of that repair. And it's a process that includes repeated sense-making and co-regulation (assisted emotional soothing) over time. These are the keys to healing and moving forward in your relationship, a heck of a lot faster.
We'll continue this 3-part Connection Depot series in Part Two. Specifically, what Nic and I learned to do and say at key times that helped accelerate our healing process (as well as what didn't help at all!).
In the meantime, think about what we've covered here and try to practice best you can. And if you continue to struggle with repairing your relationship after a lie or betrayal, consider that many times a third party can be very beneficial in helping you and your partner get to know each other better.
Come join us at the Connection Depot!
We share immediately usable tips and strategies from our own relational success, so you can see faster gains in yours! You're invited to a part of our community here.
The Human Infusion Project is a grassroots, not-for-profit personal development platform that draws from the combined fields of modern brain science, applied psychology and spiritual philosophy. Our mission aims to augment and supplement the work of professional practitioners in simplified, practical ways, and to give clients an affordable home program they can use in between sessions. 100% of all online class profit funds the Wellness Assistance Grant. If financial constraints limit your participation, please contact me and we'll work something out.
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