Relational Healing is about Learning, Unlearning, Becoming and Shedding.
One of my favorite relationship experts and author-mentors is Dr Alexandra Solomon. Earlier this year, Nic and I had the honor of serving as a mentor couple for one of her student programs at Northwestern University. It was an experience that really affirmed our own relationship development progress. And we continue to benefit daily from her wisdom. Some of which I'm passing on to you today:
"Instead of working towards a magical moment in time where you stop being X and instead become Y, approach your (relational) healing like a journey during which you increasingly become less of X and (increasingly) more of Y" - Alexandra Solomon, PhD
In other words, relationship repair is a process, not a sudden arrival. We're always moving towards something, away from other things or expanding.
"Okay. But ...
..how do we measure that progress?"
Over the last 8 years, Nic and I have learned to celebrate micro-moments of relational success. These are the small things that happen in everyday life that are different, better or 'more', but that also leave space for our imperfections as we strive to be better individuals and partners. But these moments can be hard for our still-healing brains and sensitive hearts to recognize. These 4 strategies have helped us notice and measure progress in different ways.
1. We started marking progress by the intensity, frequency and duration of our missteps and upsets. Upsets that may have been daily, slowly became weekly, then perhaps only happened every 10 days or so. When we did struggle, I reflected on how intense our interaction was, or how far it escalated before resolution. (I used a scale of 1-10 to rate mine). And how long did it last before we attempted repair? For us, I first noticed a decrease in frequency. Then in duration. Our upsets were still intense for a while. But they were fewer and further between, and didn't last as long. Intensity is a tough one. It can sometimes linger a while as our old protective brain pathways naturally struggle to stay alive and active. But it eventually waned as the consistency of my emotional set point work started to gain traction, as my activation threshold shifted and as we practiced and improved our skills.
2. I made a color coded calendar that helped me track progress. Don't laugh or shrug off the idea! Having a hard-copy (or digital), record was a tangible way to check myself against my own bias. It was pivotal! There were times when my brain would make up a story that "we just had this same fight last week!" or "we're not getting anywhere with this!" - Then I would sheepishly check my calendar notes. I was wrong. Often. We were progressing. And this tangible tracking helped me see it.
3. I started to practice 'phrasing', 'wording' and 'holding space' with other people. They didn't know I was doing this of course. But if I only practiced when Nic and were in a heated debate, it would have been much harder to remember what to say! Our thinking brain is so much harder to access when we're in full blown emotional upset. And I needed to practice with less chance of being triggered, until the language and sequence of interaction started to become more 'automatic'. So since we don't have the same emotional attachment to friends and co-workers as we do with our partners and family, those are easier relationships to try something new, see what results and get some practice. Humans rarely practice things they don't see benefit from. The fact that I was willing to practice in a different setting, told me I was seeing progress in my own relationship and wanted to see more.
4. We were intentionally noticing and verbally acknowledging small wins more often. We still messed up and made mistakes of course. But saying something aloud like, "I noticed you do _______ more often. I can see you're working on this" became words heard more often in our household. And the emotional impact between us was palpable. Don't ever underestimate the power of verbal acknowledgment.
Parting thoughts
Personal or relational healing isn't marked by no longer failing. It's marked by not letting mistakes drag you or your relationship down as far, or staying 'down' quite as long.
It's more about increasing awareness so you catch disconnection earlier, but without being hyper-vigilant. It's about feeling those old emotional-behavioral patterns calling to us, but instead of resisting them or shaming ourselves, we simply acknowledge them for protecting us in the past and then choose the new ways we're learning to respond and relate instead. You can do this.
Be Gentle. Both with yourself and your partner. And make sure you have people in your circle that can support you and cheer you on.
I'm in your corner.
Jen
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